The late Norman Cousins, a writer of great repute, many years ago discovered that humor is TRULY the best (and sometimes, ONLY) medicine. He was informed by his doctor that he had an incurable disease and there was little that traditional allopathy could do for him.

Most people would probably make certain their will was up to date, take the wife and kids on a cruise and then wait to die. Cousins, undeterred, if not undaunted, moved himself to an apartment in New York - away from his family - and holed up for a few weeks with nothing but a bunch of videos featuring the likes of Groucho Marks, Red Skelton, Milton Berle and a raft of other ‘funny’ people, movies, jokes and what-not of his choice.

His intention was (and I must confess that it has been some twenty or more years since I heard the original version of all this) was to overcome his death-dealing illness with humor - one never-ending big guffaw - and from all reports, it worked. Cousins lived for several years beyond those allotted to him by the medical community.

I’ve mentioned in other writings, that over the years, whenever something was starting to really get me down - eat away at me, if you will - I would also turn to humor - if no more than forcing myself to laugh or at least smile in the face of adversity.

At DAX, we consider a ‘’life without humor’’ no way to live at all and further, we firmly believe so much in the therapeutic value of a good belly laugh now and again - even a mere titter (just that word is amusing, eh wot?!) - that we have produced an entire report entitled ‘’Laugh to Live’’ which, whilst we sell it, also more often than not, we gift people with it when they buy other items from our roster. (See DAX STORE).

A SMALL CAVEAT:

This collection of funny stories, jokes and one-liners is compiled by midwestern types - sort-of ‘normal people’ in the grand scheme of things - so you know that the material is mostly clean. That was a somewhat esoteric ‘tip of the hat’ to Garrison Keillor of Saturday Night’s ‘A Prairie Home Companion’ (on PBS radio) - if you happen to be a fellow aficionado!

If not, Garrison sometimes refers to the men in Lake Wobegone who harvest the wheat for the fictional product ‘’Raw Bits’’ as ‘’Norwegian bachelors, so you know it’s pure, mostly’’. Nevertheless, if you are easily offended by ‘words’ I would caution you to simply ignore the category headed ‘A BIT RISQUE.’

You would find nothing really nasty or filthy, per se, because I do not wish to upset anybody and frankly, also do not personally think there is any real skill to telling a dirty joke. The ones that do appear however, would not be the type I would have passed on to my own late mother - who was definitely a prude in the better sense of the word - and I would respect that, so again, just pass by that category if you wish, okay?

-Dean

DUMB BLONDE JOKES

SuEllen’s 8 nieces (and one nephew) are all genuine towheads - but over the years, they have delighted in hearing all the (’clean!’) blonde jokes we have come across - and have also sent us a bunch of ‘em whenever they’ve heard a new one.

Blonde jokes seem to have replaced the former hugely popular, and apparently too offensive, so-called ‘Polish Jokes’ of a few decades back - before the same became ‘politically incorrect.’

Why don’t blondes make Kool-Aid? They can’t seem to fit 8 quarts of water into that little package.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? That’s where you wash vegetables.

Why does a blonde have written on her shoes: T.G.I.F.? It reminds her that Toes Go In First.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? First pull the pin - then, throw it back!

+  +  +  +

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast is exposed. A policeman approaches her and says, ‘’Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?’’ She says, ‘’Why, officer?’’ ‘’Because your breast is hanging out.’’ She looks down and says, ‘’Oh migosh - I left the baby on the bus, again!’’

+  +  +  +

How do you get a blonde’s eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

What do you call a pimple on a blonde’s rear end? A brain tumor.

Here’s an advantage to being married to a blonde: You can park in the handicap zone.

What does a blonde do the first thing in the morning? She goes home . . .

How can you make a blonde laugh on Monday? Tell her a joke the previous Friday.

What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes? An interpreter.

A physics question: If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a building at the same time - which would land first? The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop and ask directions.

What did the blonde call her pet zebra? Spot.

+  +  +  +

A blonde returns to her car after hours of shopping. It has snowed very hard and she finds it hard to see. She recalls that her father once said that when visibility was bad due to snow, if she sees a snowplow, she should follow it. She soon spots one and starts to follow closely.

After quite some time, the snowplow stops, the driver gets out and comes back to her car and mentions that he has noticed her following him and wanted to know if everything was okay. She says, yes, and tells him about her father’s advice to follow a snowplow, and asks him if it’s all right for her to follow him, now.

He says, ‘’Sure. Now that I’ve finished plowing out the K-Mart parking lot - just follow me across the street ’cause, I now gotta do the Walmart.’’

+  +  +  +

How can you tell that a blonde has been using your computer? There will be white-out all over the screen.

What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear? ‘’Thanks for the refill.’’

What do you get when you put a couple blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.

Why should blondes be required to work 7 days a week? So they don’t have to be retrained on Monday.

What is a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.

Walk into a kitchen and you can tell that a blonde recently made chocolate chip cookies. How? There are M & M shells all over the floor.

+  +  +  +

A blonde and a brunette run a ranch together and decide that they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase the size of the herd. The brunette leaves the blonde in charge of the ranch, withdraws their savings of $600 and heads for Texas to buy a bull.

It takes her awhile to find one in their price range, but finally an old farmer says he’ll take exactly $599.00 for a halfway decent bull that he has. She buys the beast and goes to the local Western Union office and tells the operator that she wants to send a telegram to her partner back home that reads, ‘Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer.’

The operator tells her that it will cost her 75 cents per word. Shocked, as she only has the one dollar remaining, she thinks for a moment and tells the operator, ‘’Okay then. I want to send just this one word: Comfortable.’’

Puzzled, the operator says, ‘’Well miss, is your friend going to understand this telegram?’’

The brunette replies, ‘’My friend is a blonde and reads REALLY slow. When she gets this, she will see: COM-FOR-DA-BULL.’’

+  +  +  +

Okay, so we’re overloaded with blonde jokes - but I think they’re some of the funniest of our era, and it is MY collection, after all, so . . . here’s about the funniest one I’ve heard recently:

Three blondes died and are up there before the fabled Pearly Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter tells them they can enter if they simply answer one question. Thus, he says to the first blonde: ‘’What is Easter?’’ To which she immediately replies, ‘’Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are all thankful and stuff . . .’’

‘’Wrong!’’ exclaims Saint Peter, and he proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, ‘’What is Easter?’’ The second blonde says, ‘’Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a pretty tree, exchange presents and drink eggnog.’’

Saint Peter just looks at her, shakes his head in disgust, tells her that she is also wrong, and turns to the third blonde, and peering through his glasses, asks, ‘’What is Easter?’’

She smiles confidently and looks Saint Peter directly in the eyes and says, ‘’I know what Easter is.’’

‘’Oh, good!’’ says Saint Peter. ‘’What is it?’’

‘’Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Here’s what happened: Jesus and his disciples were eating together at what we now refer to as ‘’The Last Supper.’’

‘’Then, the Romans, under the reluctant fiat of Pontius Pilate, took Jesus to be crucified. He was forced to wear a crown of thorns, was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet and was mortally wounded by a spear thrust into his side. He was buried in a nearby cave, called a sepulcher, which was then sealed shut by a large boulder.’’

Saint Peter smiles broadly with delight, but then the blonde continues:

‘’Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out . . . and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!’’

+  +  +  +

How do you know that it was a blonde who sent you a fax? There’s a stamp in the corner of the fax.

Why do pharmacists refuse to hire blondes as secretaries: They keep breaking those little bottles in the typewriter.

Finally, why DO blondes have more fun? Because, they simply don’t know any better!

GREAT ONE-LINERS

I personally love so-called ‘’one-liners’’ - the kind of joke upon which the late Henny Youngman built an entire 60-year career. We have a long tradition of ending each of our various (hard-copy) newsletetrs - with a short joke which we call ‘’Always Leave ‘em Laughing.’’ Here’s a bunch of ‘em:

Everyone has a photographic memory - but some don’t have any film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do psychics always have to first ask you what your name is?

‘’Join the Army - meet interesting people.’’ Then, kill them.

Many people quit looking for work the minute they find a job.

So, then: What’s the speed of dark?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel too good.

Half the people you know are below average.

Man, I’d KILL for a Nobel Peace Prize!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.

Success always occurs in private, whilst failure happens in full view.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The shin: A body part designed to find furniture in the dark.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

When everything’s coming your way, you may be in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Always borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect to be paid back

RAPPER ONE-LINERS:

Yo momma’s SO fat . . .

. . . when she was diagnosed with the flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her 14 years to live.

. . . she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

. . . her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

. . . when she goes to the zoo - the elephants throw her peanuts.

. . . her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

. . . her drivers’ license says, ‘’Picture continued on other side.’’

. . . all restaurants in town have signs that say, ‘’Maximum Occupancy: 240 patrons OR Yo Momma.’’

. . . when she disappeared last year, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for her picture.

. . . when she gets into an elevator it HAS to go down.

. . . she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

. . . she’s got smaller fat women orbiting her.

. . . you gotta take a train and two buses just to get to her good side.

. . . she could sell shade.

. . . her blood type is Ragu.

. . . when she goes into a restaurant she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.

. . . she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

. . . when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.

. . . her belly button doesn’t have lint - it has sweaters.

. . . she can’t even jump to a conclusion.

‘’YOU MIGHT BE A RED NECK, IF . . . ‘’ Jeff Foxworthy is a long-time DAX-DOER and of course, has established himself as the orginator OF ‘’You Might Be A Red Neck’’ one-liners such as:

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.

Your living room stereo speakers came from the Moonlight Drive-In Theatre.

Your boat has not left the driveway for 15 years.

You’ve ever raked leaves - in your kitchen.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

The tail-light covers on your car are made of red tape.

The dog catcher calls for backup when visiting your house.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your car has a rag for a gas cap.

You ever scratched your sister’s name from a message on a restroom wall that begins, ‘’For a good time, call . . .’’

If the TV Show ‘’Cops’’ sends a crew to your house and you slap the cameraman on the back and say, ‘’Well hi there, George - I see they sent ya back here, again!’’

GENERAL CATEGORY

The long-suffering mother finally got the phone call she had been waiting so long for: Her gay son is telling her that he’s met a wonderful girl and they are planning to get married.

He went on to tell his mother that he knew she’d be happy because his gay lifestyle had always troubled her, but now he was getting properly married - to a woman. Relieved, the mother says, ‘’I suppose it would be too much to hope that she’s Jewish?’’

‘’Why, she’s not only Jewish, she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family!’’

The mother is thrilled at this good news and says, ‘’What’s her name, son?’’

‘’Monica Lewinsky.’’

After a long pause, the mother says, ‘’Gerald, whatever happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating?’’

YOU BIG BULLY!

A little guy sits at a bar, minding his own business, just looking at his drink and not moving for a half hour or so. A large, nasty-looking truck-driver storms up to him, sees the fellow’s drink, grabs it and drains the glass in one gulp. The poor little man starts to cry, and feeling bad, the truck driver says, ‘’Oh c’mon fella, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink, I can’t stand to see a grown man cry.’’

‘’No, it’s not that. Today is just the worst day of my whole life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss got so mad he fired me. When I left the building to get my car, I found that it had been stolen. The police said they didn’t have a clue. I got a cab and went home, and when I got to the front door I discovered I’d left my wallet in the cab - but he’d already left.

‘’When I got in the house, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. I was so depressed that I came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about just putting an end to it all YOU have to show up and drink my poison . . . ‘’

RIDE ‘IM, COWBOY!

A cowboy rides into a strange town and stops at a saloon for a drink. The locals love to pick on strangers, so before long, after he’s finished his drink and starts to leave, he discovers that his horse is missing. He goes back into the bar, and with a great flair, tosses his six-gun into the air, catches it above his head and fires a shot into the ceiling.

‘’Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?’’ He yells. No one answers.

‘’All right - I’m gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain’t back outside where I left him before I finish, I’m gonna have do what I done in Texas! And I don’t really like to have to do what I done in Texas!’’

There’s some uneasiness in the room, and when the cowboy has finished his drink, he goes outside and there’s his horse. He mounts the beast and starts to ride away. Just then, the bartender comes out of the bar and says, ‘’Say, mister, before you go, what happened in Texas?’’

The cowboy turned back briefly and says, ‘’I had to walk home.’’

ELVIS IS DEAD - AND GRANDPA’S NOT FEELING TOO WELL . . .

A little brother and sister are playing together when the boy gets up and goes over to his grandfather and says, ‘’Grandpa, please make a frog noise.’’ Grandpa says, ‘’No.’’

‘’Oh please, grandpa,‘’ the little boy pleads, ‘’please, make a frog noise.’’

But Grandpa says, ‘’No - now go outside and play.’’

The boy turns to his sister and says, ‘’YOU go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise, okay?’’ So, the girl approaches the old man and says, ‘’Please make a frog noise.’’

The grandpa says, ‘’Now, I just told your brother no, and I’m telling you no, too!’’

But the little girl is insistent, ‘’Please, please, Grandpa - make a frog noise.’’

Clearly annoyed, but also curious, the old man says, ‘’Why on earth do you want me to make a frog noise, child?’’

The little girl replies, ‘’Because mommy says when you croak, we can go to DisneyWorld!’’

BAD DOGGY!

A blind man is walking down a street with his seeing eye dog when they come to a busy intersection. The dog, ignoring the traffic, leads the man right into the thick of things. Cars come to a screeching halt, horns blast away and more than one driver screams obscenities at the pair.

The blind man and the dog manage to reach the other side of the street safely and immediately, the man pulls a cookie from his pocket and offers it to the dog. A passerby, who has witnessed the whole incredible episode, cannot contain himself and says, ‘’Sir, why on earth are you rewarding that dog with a cookie? He darn near got you killed!’’

The blind man turns a bit and says, ‘’I’m not rewarding him - just want to find out where his head is - so I can kick the other end!’’

ANOTHER DAY - ANOTHER DOG

A man takes his dog to the vet and tells him that he’s cross-eyed and wonders if the doctor can do anything for him. ‘’Well, let me have a look at him.’’ He picks up the big Shepherd, looks at him for a moment and says, ‘’Huh! I’m going to have to put him down.’’

‘’Oh doc - just because he’s cross-eyed?’’

‘’No - because, he’s heavy.’’

THIS OLD HOUSE

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he’d been given. ‘’This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,’’

‘’I know,’’ the owner says, ‘’But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars and you never complained.’’

The contractor says, ‘’Well, I don’t mind the occasional mistake, but when it gets to be a habit I feel I must call it to your attention.’’

SUNDAY SCHOOL

One Sunday morning, a mother knocks on her son’s bedroom door, and tells him it’s time to get up and go to church.

‘’I’m not going to church this morning.’’

‘’You must get up and go to church.’’ says his mother.

‘’No, I will not.’’

‘’Yes - you are!’’

‘’No, I’m not - they don’t like me and I don’t like them. Give me two good reasons why I have to go.’’

‘’Well, number one, you’re 55 years old, and number two, you’re the minister!’’

TELL ME AGAIN - WHY DID THAT CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the ‘’other side.’’ That’s what ‘’they’’ call it - the ‘’other side.’’

Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say, we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like, ‘’the other side.’’ That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American: That will never be allowed to happen again in a Buchanan Administration!

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, of all race and creeds, will be free at last - to cross roads - without having their motives called into question!

Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us - we didn’t question that.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were totally justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Ken Starr: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road, at the behest of the President of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing that our highest official has been trying to cover up.

As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity, provided she co-operates fully with our investigation.

Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation, as well as any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer or at the very least, to ruffle her feathers.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. You know, sometimes a cigar IS just a cigar.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken 2007 which will not merely cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of echicken 2007.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? It’s really all relative, is it not?

Bill Clinton: Listen to me: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken! What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, ‘’Thou shalt cross the road.’’ And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing throughout the land.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

LAWYER JOKES

A new York Divorce lawyer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. There, Saint Peter asks him, ‘’What have you done to merit entrance into heaven?’’

The lawyer thinks for only a moment and says, ‘’A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.’’

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records and shortly, Gabriel affirms that this is indeed, true.

Saint Peter says, ‘’Well, that’s fine, but it’s really not quite enough to get you into heaven.’’

The lawyer yells, ‘’Wait! Wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I then also gave another homeless person a quarter.’’

Gabriel confirms to Saint Peter that, in fact, that is true. Saint Peter says to Gabriel, ‘’Well, I don’t know . . . what do you suggest we do with this guy?’’

Gabriel gives the lawyer a sidelong glance and says to St Peter, ‘’Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to hell!’’

+  +  +  +

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go - and he could never return to earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. ‘’A million dollars - which I shall donate to M.I.T.’’

The second applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question, and he said that he would require two million dollars. ‘’I will give a million to my family and leave the other million for medical research.’’

The third applicant was a lawyer. When he was asked how much money he wanted, he leaned over and whispered into the interviewer’s ear, ‘’Three million dollars.’’

‘’Why so much more than the others?’’

The lawyer replies, ‘’If you give me three million, I’ll give YOU one million, keep a million for myself and we’ll send the engineer.’’

+  +  +  +

The owner of the local bar was certain he was the strongest man around, so he had a standing offer of $1,000.00 to anyone who could wring out so much as a single drop from a lemon after the bartender had squeezed it dry into a glass.

Over the years, many people had naturally taken him up on the bet - big strong boxers, wrestlers, lumberjacks, longshoremen and others of their ilk. Not one could manage even a tiny drop more from any lemon that the super-strong bartender had squeezed.

One day though, a scrawny, ugly little man, wearing coke-bottle-thick glasses sauntered into the bar. He was wearing an ill-fitting polyester suit and in a squeaky little voice says, ‘’I’d like to try the bet.’’

Everyone in the bar just roared at hearing that, but in due course, the bartender says ‘’Okay,’’ grabs a lemon and squeezes all the juice into a glass. He then hands the wrinkled remains of the lemon to the little man. Now the crowd is out of control - laughing their fool heads off, but then the little man wraps a frail hand around the lemon, places it over an empty glass and squeezes out six large drops of juice from it.

The crowd is silent and aghast. (maybe, they were first aghast - and then silent?!) The bartender pays off the thousand bux and says, ‘’What in the world do you do for a living, my small friend?’’

‘’I’m an IRS agent . . . ‘’

+  +  +  +

Finally, the best quick one that’s currently circulating: What’s the best weight for a lawyer? About six pounds - but that includes the urn . . .

A BIT RISQUE, ‘’BLUE,’’ OFF-COLOR . . . YOU KNOW . . . THE GOOD STUFF!

An old man visits his doctor for his annual checkup and everything appears to be fine. ‘’How’s your sex life?’’ The doctor asks. ‘’Well, not too bad, to be honest. The wife isn’t all that interested anymore, but in the past week I was able to pick up and bed three new women - none of whom was over thirty years old.’’

‘’At your age? I hope you at least took some precautions.’’

‘’c’mon, doc - I may be old - but I’m not senile! Of course, I was careful - I gave them all a phony name.’’

THE PRICE OF A PEEK

Three men and a ravishing young woman are travelling together in a train compartment and soon, the conversation becomes somewhat erotic. The young woman proposes, ‘’If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs.’’ The men immediately each pull a dollar from their wallet and hand it to her. She pulls her dress up just a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, ‘’If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I’ll show you my thighs.’’ Well, this seems easy, so all three produce a ten dollar bill and the woman pulls her dress all the way up to her undies.

Soon, the men have gotten warmed up and have removed their coats when the young woman says, ‘’If you will now each give me $100 I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.’’ Naturally, all three fork over the money and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, ‘’Right there!

LEARNING PUNCTUATION

The kindergarten class was given an assignment to go home and find something exciting to report to the class the next day. The following morning, one by one each of the children stood up and related their personal stories about some benign occurance and finally, it was little Oscar’s turn.

He strode up past the front of the class - right up to the black board, where he picked up a piece of chalk and made a single dot in the middle of the board. Without a word, he went back to his desk and sat down.

Perplexed, the teacher says, ‘’Oscar, what is that?’’

‘’It’s a period.’’

‘’ Well, I guess I can see that, But what’s so exciting about a period that you would make that the focus of your report?’’

‘’Heck, I don’t know . . . but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then, dad had a heart attack, mom fainted and the man next door shot himself.’’

‘’V’’ FOR VICTORY!

Advertising slogans that were rejected by Viagra:

The quicker dicker upper.

One-a-day . . . like iron.

When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

Home of the whopper.

It plumps when you take ‘em!

Strong enough for a man - but made for a woman.

Tastes great - more filling.

Ten inches long - and growing.

WE work harder - so you don’t have to.

This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?

AN AMERICAN IN LONDON

A gentleman from New York was waiting for traffic to clear on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist. Feeling he should say something to break the embarrassment, he said, ‘’A bit airy.’’

To which the Cockney girl replies indignantly, ‘’ ‘ell, yes! Whaddya expect, luv - feathers?’’

I SAW YOUR LIPS MOVE . . .

A professional ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He’s doing his usual stupid redneck jokes when a big burly fellow in the audience stands up and says, ‘’I’ve heard just about enough of your smart-ass hillbilly jokes: We ain’t all as stupid down here as y’all think!’’

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the big guy jumps up again and yells, ‘’You stay out of this, mister - I was talking to that smart-ass little fella on your knee!’’

CLYDE DIED . . .

Clyde died in a fire and was burned quite badly so the mortician needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke were summoned.

Clem went into the darkened room and the mortician pulled back the sheet to reveal the corpse. Clem says, ‘’Yup, he sure is burnt pretty bad - roll him over.’’ Which the mortician does.

Clem says, ‘’Nope - ain’t Clyde.’’

The mortician was somewhat surprised as he was fairly certain of the deceased’s identity, nonetheless, he called in the other fellow, Zeke, and asked him to take a look.

‘’Yup, he sure is burnt real bad - roll him over, will ya?’’ The mortician again obliges the strange request.

‘’Nope - ain’t’ Clyde.’’

Finally, exasperated, the mortician says, ‘’How can you tell that?’’

‘’Well,’’ Zeke says, ‘’Clyde had two assholes. Everyone in town knows he had two assholes. Every time ol’ Clyde, Clem and me went to town together, folks would say, ‘Here comes that there Clyde with them two assholes.’ ‘’

GONE FISHIN’ . . .

A pretty smart young fellow from the farm gets a sales job at a big city department store - one of those mega places where you can buy just about anything and everything you could possibly want. His new boss asks, ‘’Have you ever been a salesman before?’’

‘’Well, not formal like - but we sold some produce outta a little shed by the roadside back home and I think I can do okay here.’’

Bemused, and also desperate to fill the vacant position, the boss decides to give the hayseed a chance, telling him that he’ll come back at the end of the day and see how he did.

It was a pretty hectic day for the young man, but when five o’clock rolled around, sure enough, the boss shows up and asks, ‘’How many sales did you make today, young man?’’

‘’Just one, sir.’’

‘’Only one?’’ blurts the boss, ‘’Most of my staff make 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was your single sale worth, anyway?’’

‘’Uh, three hundred thousand, four hundred and forty six dollars,’’ the young fellow says.

‘’Holly Toledo! How did you manage all that?’’

‘’Well, this here man comes in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally, a really large hook. Then, I sold him a fishing line - first a medium one, then a big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that forty foot job with the twin engines.

‘’Then, he said his little Porsche probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him one of them big new Ford Excursions. A red one.’’

The boss is now absolutely flabbergasted. ‘’You mean to tell me that you sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?’’

‘’No . . not really. He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, Your weekend’s pretty much shot anyway, you may as well go fishing.’’

TEXAS STYLE

Two good ol’ boys are enjoying the blue plate special at their favorite eatery when they hear an awful choking sound. They turn around to see a lady a few tables away, starting to turn blue from wolfing down an armadillo burger too fast. The first fellow says, ‘’Think we outta help?’’ The other one says, ‘’Yep, I s’pose.’’

With that, the first one gets up, walks over to the lady and says, ‘’Kin ya breathe?’’ She barely manages to shake her head no. ‘’Kin ya speak?’’ She again shakes her head. With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt and starts to lick her butt. She is so shocked that she coughs up the obstruction and starts to breathe again - with great relief.

The man turns to his friend, grins, and says, ‘’Purty neat how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works - ever’ time!’’

READY, AIM . . . FIRE!

A crusty old Army Colonel somehow finds himself at a fancy downtown gala hosted by a liberal arts college. There are numerous young, idealistic ladies in attendance and one approaches the Colonel for conversation. ‘’Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?’’

‘’No,’’ replies the Colonel, ‘’Just serious by nature, I guess.’’

The young lady looks at his awards and decorations and says, ‘’It looks like you’ve seen a lot of action.’’

‘’Yep - quite a lot of action.’’

The young woman, now tired of trying to start a conversation, but seeming to be getting nowhere, says, ‘’You know, Colonel, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself.’’

The Colonel just stares at her in his natural, serious way.

At last, the young lady says, ‘’I certainly hope you don’t take this wrong, but when was the last time you had sex?’’

The Colonel looks at her and says, ‘’1955.’’

‘’Oh my!’’ she says, ‘’Well, there you go: You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a bit extreme?’’

The Colonel glances at his watch and says in his matter-of-fact voice, ‘’Oh, I don’t know - it’s only 2130, now.’’

WHY I’M LOOKING FOR A NEW SECRETARY

A couple weeks back, it was my fortieth birthday. Wow! What a bummer! I went down to breakfast realizing that my dear wife would be very nice and say ‘’Happy Birthday’’ and have a present for me. But she didn’t even say ‘’Good Morning’’ let alone, ‘’Happy Birthday.’’ So I think, ‘’That’s wives for you.’’ Oh well, the kids will remember. But when they came to breakfast they didn’t say a word about it, either.

By the time I got to the office, I was feeling pretty despondent and my secretary, Joyce, says, ‘’Good Morning, Best Boss In The World: Happy Birthday!’’ Oh, I felt so much better - someone had remembered. I worked in a good frame of mind for a few hours.

At noon, Joyce comes into my office and says, ‘’You know, it’s such a beautiful day, and it is your birthday - let’s go to lunch - just you and me.’’

I said, ‘’By golly - that’s the greatest idea I’ve heard all day - let’s do it!’’

We went to lunch - out in the country to a roadside inn that Joyce selected - a nice, private little place. We had a couple cocktails and a great lunch. After dessert, Joyce says, ‘’You know, if we don’t have to get back to the office right away, I’ve reserved a nice suite here - would you like to go to it?’’

I’m thinking . . . would I! So, before long, we’re in the quaint drawing room of the suite, and Joyce is pouring me a drink, which she hands me, as she says, ‘’Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.’’

‘’Sure thing!’’ I say - almost giddy-like, by now.

So, she goes into the bedroom and in about five minutes, out she comes again - carrying a big birthday cake. Following her is my wife, two children and about a dozen of our best friends. All are singing, ‘’Happy Birthday To You!’’

And there I sit . . . on the sofa . . . with nothing on but my socks.

Which pretty much brings me to the reason why I am now looking for a new secretary . . .

OH, SUCH LANGUAGE!

Two Italian men are on a cross-town bus in Manhattan, engaging in very animated conversation. A lady, who is sitting behind them, tries to ignore their conversation, but her attention is galvanized as she hears one of the men say:

‘’Emma comes first. Den, I come. Two asses, they come together. I come once-a more. Two asses - they come together, again. Then I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time.’’

The lady, incensed, jumps up and exclaims, ‘’You foul-mouthed swine! In this country you do NOT talk about sex in public!’’

‘’Hey, coola down, lady.’’ says the man, ‘’Who’s a-talkin’ ’bout sex? I’m just tellin’ my friend here how to spella Mississippi.’’

TIMELY TITTERS

Had we not had the ‘’Chili Contest’’ story that ends this collection - I would have thought the following little piece would have been a pretty good capper . . . well, YOU be the judge!

December 8, Early evening: It has started to snow! Truly magnificent - the first snow of the winter season! The wife and I take our cocktails over to the comfy chairs by the big picture window and sit for a couple hours in wonderment as the huge snow flakes drift down from the heavens. So romantic - we felt like newlyweds again! Love that snow!

December 9, Morning: Oh, how joyous! We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape - what a glorious sight! Can there be a more lovely spot in the entire world, than right here in this Winter Wonderland?!

Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shovelled snow for the first time in many years and felt like a young boy again. I did both the driveway and the sidewalks. Ha! This afternoon, the snowplow came by and blocked in the driveway, but I got right out there and shovelled it clear again. What a perfect life, we have!

December 12 - Late Afternoon: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry as we’ll definitely have a WHITE CHRISTMAS! I hope so - no snow on Christmas would be terrible! But Bob (that’s the new neighbor fellow) - Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again. Well now, that’s just silly - I love snow - could never get too much. I like Bob though, he seems like a nice guy.

December 14 - Early Morning: Snow, again! Lovely, wonderful, beauteous SNOW! About 8 - 10 inches of it last night! The cold makes everything sparkle. The wind took my breath away when I went outside but I soon warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. A lot. This is sure the life!

The snowplow did come back this afternoon and buried everything again. I had not realized there would be so much shovelling, but I’ll certainly get back into fine fettle, this way. I just wish I didn’t huff and puff quite so much.

December 15 - Late: Twenty inches forecast! Sold my BMW and bought a Blazer 4 wheel drive. Got a set of snow tires for the wife’s car and bought two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer full. The wife says she wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out, but I told her that’s silly - we’re not in Alaska, after all!

December 16: Nasty ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the driveway ice as I was putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for quite awhile, which I thought was cruel.

December 17 - Afternoon: Man! It’s still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 7 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do really, except stare at the wife and do my best not to irritate her. Guess she was right, and we should have bought that wood stove she wanted. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death right here in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on - most of the time. But we had another 14 inches of that damnable white stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Lousy snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighborhood kid to shovel but they’re all too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying - just don’t want to work.

Called the only hardware store within a hundred miles to see if they had a snow-blower, but they’re out of ‘em. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I HAVE to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me - might even issue a fine. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about the White Christmas. ’cause 13 more inches of the white crap fell today - and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt ’til August. Took me over 45 minutes just to get dressed warm enough to go out and shovel and then I had to pee.

By the time I got undressed, went to the can and got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck, but he says he’s too busy. I think the bugger is lying!

December 23: Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up . . . to ZERO. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Is she nuts??!! Why didn’t she think of it a month ago when it wasn’t so frigging COLD? She says it slipped her mind. I think she’s lying.

December 24: SIX MORE INCHES! Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I EVER catch the SOB who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him naked through a snow bank!

I just know that he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight, the wife wants me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I can’t: I’ll be too busy watching for the cotton-pickin’ snowplow!

December 25: Well, just Merry Damn Christmas to you, too! TWENTY MORE INCHES OF SNOW!!!!!! We’re just plain snowed in. The idea of shovelling almost paralyzes me. I HATE SNOW!

The snowplow driver comes by and asks for a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. And if I have to watch ‘’It’s a Wonderful Life’’ one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. I cannot for the life of me remember WHY I ever moved here! It was HER idea! She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to thirty below and the pipes all froze.

December 28: Warmed up all the way to ten below zero. We’re still totally snowed in. ‘’SHE’’ is driving me crazy!

December 29: Ten more inches - will it NEVER stop?! Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife escaped on a neighbor’s snowmobile and has gone home to her mother’s. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what’s left of the house. At least I won’t have to shovel snow anymore.

January 4: I feel so great! I just love those little green pills they keep giving me! I don’t know why I seem to be tied down to the bed, but hey! I’m near a big window, and I see that it’s starting to snow out there . . .

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WE REALLY LEAVE YOU LAUGHING! 

You just gotta read the following story which came to me via e-mail one blustery January day whilst I was still recovering from some nasty surgery.

It was sent by SuEllen’s former college roommate and our mutual casino-hopping buddy when we’re in Vegas), Joy, who is a registered nurse in Phoenix, Arizona and delights in sending (and receiving) a bunch of ‘funnies,’ just as we do.

Possibly, it was just the particular mood I was in, but this story - as it unravelled - almost literally put me on the floor, as the saying goes. Hope you like it, too!

FROM THE NOTES OF A ROOKIE REPORTER SENT TO COVER A CHILI-MAKING CONTEST IN SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS

At the last minute, one of the judges for the Outstanding Texas Chili contest became ill, and I was asked to fill in for him, since I was nearby and had an obviosuly keen interest in the proceedings, what with my being there to report on the event, and all.

The other two judges told me that the chili might be a tad spicy but I could have free cold beers during the tasting so I accepted the challenge, secure in the knowledge that I would no doubt emerge a celebrity - at least in the eyes of the locals. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mable’s Maniac Monster

Judge One: A little two heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick, though.

Judge two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Me: Holy smokes! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers just to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Artie’s Afterburner

Judge One: Smokey - slight barbecue taste - with a hint of pork. A bit of jalapeno tanginess.

Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Me: Keep this out of the reach of children! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste, but if pain has a flavor - this is it! I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beverage line.

The server looked like a professional wrestler after a very bad bout. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her left eye started to twitch. She had arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I would NOT recommend picking a fight with this woman,

Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down The Damn Barn

Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans, though.

Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit too salty - good use of red peppers.

Me: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA - I’ve located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beverage wagon. Server pounded me on the back: Now my backbone is in the front of my chest. She said her friends call her ‘Big Sally,’ but I bet behind her back they call her ‘Forklift.’

Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean chili with very little spice. Most disappointing.

Judge Two: Just a hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, but not much of a genuine chili.

Me: I did feel something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled . . . it’s kind of cute.

Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge Two: Chili contains shredded beef - could use more tomato, but must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Me: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me drain bamage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring a cold beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to act like a man and stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin, yet bold vegetarian varietal chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge Two: The best so far. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Excellent!

Me: My Intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation

Judge One: A mediocre effort with too much reliance placed on canned peppers.

Judge Two: A ho-hum taste - sort of like the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment.

Me: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed from my mouth at some point. Good.

At autopsy, at least they’ll know exactly what killed me. Run Sally - run! Save yourself before it’s too late! Tell our children that I’m sorry I was not there to have them. I’ve decided to stop breathing - it’s just too painful and I’m not really getting any oxygen, anyway. If I need air, I’ll just let it in through that new hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell ‘em I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Monty’s Mount Saint Helen’s

Judge One: This final entry is a good, balanced chili - neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see most of it was lost when judge number three fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

Judge Two: A perfect chili to end the competition with: Nice blend, appreciated by all tastes, not too bold -but just spicy enough to declare its existence.

Me: I want my mamma!!!

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Hope you had as much fun reading this collection of DAX YAX as I had putting it together! We’ve got a passel more of ‘em and will be adding them to the mix from time to time. When we do, I’ll make a point of noting the fresh batch IS such, so you’ll not have to wade through all of the above to get to ‘em. However, some of that funny stuff in the above collection is worth reading again, isn’t it?!

-Dean

P.S. What’s YOUR all-time FAVORITE joke or short story? Tell me: Letters@DAXRICH.com