DEAN’S RANT: In Search Of The Last Honest Man - On The Internet!
Over the years, we have kept you apprised of the endles stream of incompetents, nincompoops, miscreants, ne’er-do-wells and downright crooks that we and other DAX-DOERS have come up against.
Nowdays, those sorts are mostly found on the net, because that’s where many people find and purchase their goods and services. But I can tell you unequivocally, there are only a tiny number of people operating on-line whom you can trust!
I would guesstimate that literally, only about 5 out of a hundred will take your money and THEN, do whatever ’tis you paid them to do!
Here are two recent (pending) examples from our own experience.
1. There’s an outfit in Pennsylvania called Awio Web Services. They provide a pop-under distribution service called Visitor Boost. We tried a test with them a few weeks back - and got terrific results . . . sold a truckload of ‘’$100,000 In 90+ Days!'’
So, we tripled our next order with a fill time of 30 days. They claim a 54 million distribution total so, we thought we’d just keep increasing our orders each time when the last campaign was completed.
The guy who runs the service, Dan Grossman, simply faded into the woodwork and failed to fulfill the contract in any way shape or form. We emailed - daily for a week and finally had our legal beagle go after the scofflaw.
When he finally responded, here’s what he said, ‘’ . . . delivery has been slow . . . you waited only two weeks into a 30 day campaign, not even waiting to see if the speed would pick up, when you sent a lawyer . . . I’d rather not deal with you any further. You have your refund.'’
WOW!
This dink says that we waited only until the campaign was halfway to completion - without any activity on his part before complaining! Perhaps, we should have waited until the campaign was over to complain that he was derelict in his duty to perform on the contract?
Further, did he actually believe that we would even consider dealing with HIM after we had to sic our legal beagle on him?!
But . . . his worst sin was simply ignoring a good customer:
Again, we contacted him MANY times to inquire why he was not doing what he was paid in advance to do - and he NEVER responded UNTIL we got our lawyer on his dead butt.
Hey! After a half century in biz we understand that ‘’stuff happens'’ and all we wanted to know was WHY our contract was not being fulfilled.
2. One of our first tekkies, Ja-sin Mitchel from Michigan, decided to ‘’go out on his own'’ and with no notice whatsoever, left us high and dry with several websites in various states of ‘’undress.'’ (!) We paid him in full anyway and hired someone else to finish his job.
Whilst he was still on the payroll, Mitchel started an online dance show and asked us to pony up some advertising bux - which we did. Well, the dancing deal never got off the ground - we never got our advertising value so, guess what - we asked for our money back.
Na-da . . . big surprise, eh wot? So, we are suing him - the amount is only 500 bux, but as long-time DAX-DOERS know. I will spend a thousand bux to recover 500 if there’s a principle involved - and in this case . . . there is!
Over the nearly five decades that we’ve been at this ol’ pop stand, I have grown sick and tired of helping people in all ways possible - only to have them flake out on me, break promises, ‘’fail to come through,'’ bounce checks, etc.'’ The Straws . . . Thomases . . . Campbells . . . Lamberts . . . Buchanans . . . O’Sheas . . . Kirkmans and SO many more.
Henceforth, NO ONE gets any DAX assistance unless THEY pay for it! Yes, that’s right! From now on if someone wants a ‘’plug,'’ endorsement or publicity of any kind - it will cost ten grand a pop.
We shall continue providing wholly free mentions on the rare occasion that we run across someone whom we have proved to be honest. Don’t hold your breath hoping for a very long list . . .
-Dean
P.S. The foregoing will also appear in our popular separate segment which you may access at: www.daxrich.com/daxredalert/
- where you’ll also find this little gem:
BETTY WHITE IS A BIG FAT LIAR . . . HA!
See why at: www.daxrich.com/daxredalert/
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ALERT!
DAX-DOERS are making MILLIONS from the bearish stock market right now! If you are NOT - you have only yourself to blame: We have, on numerous ocassions, brought to your attention how you can glom onto all you need to know vis-a-vis our time-tested ‘n’ proven ‘’DAX Millionaire Web Wealth!'’ (Still, just a thousand bux!)
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Would You Like $100,000.00 Cash In 90+ Days?!
If you need a bunch of cash - money that’s yours to use as you wish - and NEVER pay back . . .
. . . go to: http://www.daxrich.com/100k-in-90-days/
There, you’ll discover a DAX-DECADES PROVEN METHOD to make huge sums of $$$ . . . FAST!
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PAY MUCH LESS FOR GAS: We Got em On The Run!
A few weeks back we suggested to DAX-DOERS that they take a moment and go to:
http://www.daxrich.com/pay-much-less-for-gas/
. . . and then, to ACT on the simple instructions found there. Doing so, we said, may help bring the price of gas down - rather quickly.
Well, untold numbers of DAX-DOERS worldwide thought that was a good idea and on Friday the 13th(!) June, 2008 - lost in the wall-to-wall coverage of the untimely death of Tim Russert was news that EXXON-MOBILE had just decided to sell off all 2200 of their gas stations, as they have all of a sudden become unprofitable!
Hmmmm . . . cannot say that we expected THAT but HEY! ‘’You takes it where you can get it,'’ eh wot?!
Now, we need to focus on another of the various culprits ripping off all of us worldwide. It’s up to YOU - whom shall we start mutually boycotting? Shell, BP? Marathon? You tell ME and we’ll change the copy on that page which again, can be found at:
http://www.daxrich.com/pay-much-less-for-gas/
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Sure-Fire Weight-Loss Trick!
If, like everybody else in the world, you have struggled off and on with trying to lose excess weight - and have tried all the pills, potions, liquids, support groups, miracle cures and what-not, but have failed to reach your desired goals . . .
. . . by now, you will have come to the unassailable realization there is truly only one way to actually lose weight and keep it off permanently: REDUCE CALORIC INTAKE!
How serious you may be about losing weight will determine to what extent you program your CR (Calorie Reduction) regimen and how intensely and deliberately you adhere to your plan.
NEVERTHELESS . . .
Sooner or later - probably, MUCH sooner(!) you’re simply gonna get HUN-GA-REE, right?!
Here’s something I learned very recently that may very well help you over those difficult periods - a simple trick to help stultify that nagging hunger in between meals no matter WHAT or how much those meals consist of. (But, let’s hope you’ve decided to consume only healthy calories and carbs, rather than a bunch of junk food!)
Try this the next time you are between meals and start to get that ‘’old feeling'’ of wanting to eat something - anything! Pour a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass and add a couple ounces of cold water. Drink it down and go about your business. You may be amazed to discover (as I did) that your hunger is TOTALLY vanished!
The first time I tried this I just guzzled the vinegar straight and it felt like my throat was burning. I had earlier reasoned that since I often put vinegar (and extra virgin olive oil) on salads, why not just take it straight. My suggestion . . . do NOT do that! Add some water!
Incidentally, if you still have stuff to learn about the GENUINE way to lose weight and never worry about it ‘’coming back to haunt you'’ - get yourself a copy our very popular report, ‘’The DAX World-Famous Half-Ass Diet!'’
It’s all you’ll ever need to know (and do) to get back that bee-ooo-ti-ful slim and trim YOU that’s now being held captive by all that ugly FAT!
Yes! I said FAT! It IS a ‘’dirty word,'’ and people who are fat, especially, hate it when you call them that. So . . . don’t call anybody else fat: Instead, look in the mirror, see your OWN fat self and then, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT’S TOO DAMN LATE!
Again, you can get a copy of our popular report, ‘’The DAX World-Famous Half-Ass Diet!'’ for $25.00 - that INCLUDES shipping to your door (or p.o. box). Send a check, money order, stamps, your first-born or your VISA or MasterCard data in one of several ways:
email to: NetOrders@DAXRICH.com
DAX-FAX at: 1-269-467-4497
Or snail-mail to DAX-Diet, Box 447, Centreville, MI 49032-0447. Be sure to tell us your full name and postal mailing address, as this report will reach you via Peter Post Office only.
Oh, and if you would like to get this very helpful $25.00 report 100% FREE - just scroll down the page to our other current offer for the popular ‘’DAX Superior Slots Success!'’ system:
If you order that - and you will be saving a GREAT deal of money right now, if you do - just tell us ‘’Dean said he’d also send me the ‘’DAX World-Famous Half-Ass Diet!'’ at no extra cost when I order the slots system before the deadline!'’
And guess what . . . WE WILL DO THAT!
And NO . . . there are NO weasel-words like everybody else spouts these days! You do NOT pay a single dime extra for shipping - HA! (Don’t you just hate those teevee hucksters who promise to send you two of whatever or an extra ‘’free'’ gift and then say, ‘’Just pay the extra shipping cost'’ - which generally, is more than the price of the product itself?!)
Okay, I’ll quit ranting, so you can get on with perusing all the other good DAX Stuff hereabouts!
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Got a quick “funny” for you. GRANDMA SAYS (although, I personally envisage Gilda Radner (as) Emily Latilla saying this):
‘’It is just terrible how the parents of Amber don’t watch over her. Every day I turn on the teevee and there’s another ‘AMBER ALERT’ telling us how that poor little girl is missing again!'’
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NO DOUBT ABOUT IT . . .
. . . no matter by what criteria you prefer - and a few days ago several of the money-oriented teevee financial '’experts'’ - Harvard MBAs (and other elitist nerds) - at long last, agreed with what WE have been saying for several weeks at DAX (and ’DAX’ would be Dean F. V. Du Vall, Sr., in case you don’t know!) . . .
. . . that we - you and I and every other American - are indeed, mired down in a good ol’ fashioned, friggin’ economic RECESSION!
What took them SO LONG to come to THAT (obvious) conclusion?! Frankly, I consider them friggin’, over-paid, over-educated, over-listened-to idiots!
Well . . . ‘’whatever'’ . . . (as my dear wife, SuEllen, exclaims when she’s just ‘had it up to here’ with ME!)
Just realize TWO things:
1. Yep , we are way down deep in the real financial doo-doo in America, as we speak . . .
2. BUT . . . as DAX has done for the past 46+ years - we WILL help YOU to not merely survive it all, but actually PROSPER, as well!
HOWEVER: You will need to CAREFULLY scroll down this page and take some time to check out ALL the solid, proven stuff we have available for . . . YOU!
AND DO NOT FRET! MOST of everything that you’ll discover on this truly unique site is . . . 100% FREE!
And, whilst it IS fairly simple to ensure the financial future of you and yours - it is NOT as easy as ‘’falling off the proverbial log'’ . . . so . . . PAY ATTENTION!
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Pssst . . . Wanna WIN At Slots?!
TO LEARN HOW TO ‘’ENHANCE YOUR CHANCE'’ AT ANY CASINO IN THE WORLD, SCROLL DOWN THE PAGE.
BUT, IF YOUR FIRST CONCERN IS TO FIND A GREAT HOME-BASED BUSINESS FOR A MINISCULE INVESTMENT . . . CHECK OUT THE FOLLOWING!
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MAYBE, YOU SHOULD JOIN THE DAX ‘’FINANCIAL FLOCKERS!’’
HUH?!
DAX has a brand new and gigantic world-wide advertising campaign in force - appearing on most principal Internet search engines such as GOOGLE, YAHOO, ADBRITE, KANOODLE, Findit-Quick, enHance and several others.
From those prospect-getters we are welcoming veritable FLOCKS of new people eager to learn more about THE most important-home-based opportunity of TWO centuries (the last one and THIS one!)
THIS COULD ALSO MEAN VERY BIG DAX BUX FOR YOU TOO!
We Welcome You To Check It Out at: www.daxrich.com/verge-of-great-wealth
The really TERRIFIC aspect of all this: Once you decide to become a successful DAX DEALER (at NO cost - DAX Dealerships have been 100% FREE since 1962!), that highly effective website page . . .www.daxrich.com/verge-of-great-wealth . . . can be used by YOU in a myriad of ways - at absolutely NO COST - and when you do, get this:
Only YOUR 6-digit PIN will appear in it (toward the bottom of the page - in place of ours (778963).
Do you realize what THAT means? Just that virtually every prospect and subsequent order that DAX makes on your behalf (DAX consummates ALL sales, fulfills all orders and, handles all chargecard processing - at NO COST to our Dealers!) - all that good stuff will be 100% credited to YOU because (again) only YOUR PIN will appear on the page!
This may very well be the most fantastic and generous wealth-laden, home-based, business opportunity available ANYWHERE!
And two important ‘’kickers:’’
1. It is DAX-Sourced - which means you can rely on our nearly 50 years of experience and . . . EXCELLENCE!
2. This program you are about to start reviewing at . . . www.daxrich.com/verge-of-great-wealth . . . has been tested, proven and used successfully by ambitious men and women worldwide for the past eleven years!
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I’ll Bet You Didn’t Know!
You may be unaware that you’ve arrived at a once-upon-a-time weekly e-MEGA-zine website which operated at full throttle, offering a large, fresh batch of varied goodies every Monday morn - focusing on the 17 various categories of interest shown in the left column there.
Each week, visitors got upwards of 19 pages of helpful, inspiring, self-enrichment and wealth-building data for the best possible price . . . 100% FREE! It was started in mid 2006 and ended short of its two year anniversary.
TO LEARN WHY, GO TO:
www.daxrich.com/what-killed-the-e-mega-zine/
Currently, this is a static site - changed seldom - and only when events truly warrant. But, do feel free to check back here when you get a chance! That way, you won’t miss SPECIAL ITEMS such as the extraordinary biz opp you read about above . . . PLUS . . .
!THIS!
From time to time we will offer a popular DAX Wealth-Builder - a book, report, full-blown course or system - for a minuscule amount compared to its everyday retail price. The offer will be for a very limited time and ONLY visitors to this site will be eligible!
We can make these bare-bones offers HERE as there are fewer potential buyers exposed, when compared to our regular direct mail (off-line) publishing business.
We’ve also learned from those two years operating this site that those who visit possess only a fraction of the gumption, ambition and get-up-and-go to actually place an order for anything unless it’s made super-easy and on-line. To order an item shown here, one must actually send it directly to DAX, and that does require a bit of extra effort.
A LIMITED SUPER-DUPER DAX SPECIAL
For many, the term ‘’Sin City'’ conjures up one or both of the following:
1. Las Vegas = Lost Wages . . .
2. The old joke, ‘’I arrived in Vegas in a $50,000.00 Cadillac - and left in a $150,000.00 . . . Greyhound!'’
If so, doubtful you’ve ever heard of, acquired or put to good use the world- famous ‘’DAX SUPERIOR SLOTS SUCCESS!'’ system.
Known far and wide as the ‘’Enhance Your Chance'’ help in beating the house odds, for nearly ten years, slots devotees worldwide claim that it provides them with the much sought-after ‘’winners edge.'’
Best of all, it makes no difference WHERE the system is used! True, it all started in Las Vegas - at the famed Mirage ('’erupting volcanoes'’) Casino at a time when that particular gaming establishment was not known to be the most generous in town(!)
But when it was found to work there, other casinos on Las Vegas were tested . . . and then, in Reno . . . eventually, at Atlantic City and on to Geneva, Monte Carlo and elsewhere.
However, the HUGE BREAK-THROUGH came when it was discovered that the so-called ‘’Indian Reservations'’ became veritable goldmines for the knowledgeable, as well:
The great thing about THAT is, that today, in 2008, those once-a-upon-a-time, house-trailer operations have grown to the point where they not only build and maintain the largest and most impressive establishments in the world - they also gross more each year than ALL of the other NON ‘’Indian'’ casinos . . . COMBINED . . .
. . . AND, they also pay out far more to winners.
The regular price of the ‘’DAX Superior Slots Success!'’ system is a mere $156.50 - which INCLUDES shipping.
But order before July 30, 2008 and pay just $99.50 and THAT includes all shipping, as well!
If you do NOT know the inside skinny, in just five minutes of active ‘’slotting'’ you statistically could easily lose twice that sum!
Why take a chance? Doesn’t the thought of winning . . . possibly, winning BIG . . . hold more appeal?
Thought so . . .
What are you waiting for then?! Rush you order to DAX today and the next time you enter the gaming floor of YOUR favorite casino in ‘’Sin City'’ or anywhere else, you’ll have the extra intel to ‘’Enhance YOUR Chance!'’ of walking outta there with more than you walked in with!
= = = = = = = = DAX-ACTION ORDER FORM = = = = = = = =
TO: DAX-Slots, Box 447, Centreville, MI 49032-0447
Yes! I want to ‘’Enhance MY Chance'’ with those one-arm bandits! Rush me ‘’DAX Superior Slots Success!'’ today! Enclosed is just $99.50 instead of the regular price of $156.50 because I’m ordering before the deadline.
(Note: Send a check, money order or VISA or MasterCard data - plus your full name and postal mailing address)
NOTE: You will also receive a batch of DAX materials - catalogs, dealership opportunities, etc. at no extra charge. If you do NOT order the above item BUT you would like the package of materials only, send your check, money order, VISA or MasterCard data for $25.00 to: DAX-Lit, Box 447, Centreville, MI 49032-0447 and it will be processed the same day - a 46+ year DAX tradition!
OTHER (FASTER) ORDERING OPTIONS: If using a VISA or MasterCard, you may choose to:
1. Send your order via DAX-FAX at: 1-269-467-4497
2. Email your order to: NetOrders@DAXRICH.com
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INTERESTING THINGS TO EXPLORE . . . NOW! AND IT’S ALL YOURS 100% FREE!
You’ll find here a few hyperlinks, plus the option to access a whole bunch of feature articles, stories, ideas for making money, saving money, improving your health, your personal life status and so forth. It’s what we’ve always referred to with this entire effort as helping you to ‘’Enhance Your Health, Wealth & Wisdom . . . via DAX.'’
QUICK WAYS TO FIND LIFE-ENHANCING INFO, DATA, HELP & INSPIRATION!
1. To view our very LAST (and largest-ever) ‘’normally aspirated'’ weekly e-MEGA-zine edition, click on this quick link: www.daxrich.com/final-e-mega-zine-edition/
2. At the very top of this page you’ll see the MENU BAR and some tabs thereon. Punch ‘em one by one and you’ll discover a lot of interesting things.
3. At the very bottom of this page you’ll see a hyperlink called PREVIOUS ENTRIES. Just start clicking on those and read whatever you find worthy of your perusal. There are over SEVEN DOZEN 12-19 page weekly editions captured there.
NOTE: This site is set up a bit differently than most: The ARCHIVES link that you see to the column on your left is NOT going to take you much beyond the one article you see there. Too complicated to explain WHY, but that’s the way it IS!
4. Also, on said left column you’ll find various links to our other websites.
One such is http://www.niftystuff4u.com/ That was set up a couple years ago before SuEllen accepted a 24/7/365 (well, darn near!) Executive Directorship of a Michigan agency and she, like myself, cannot stand to be inactive for more than ten minutes so . . . we built the http://www.niftystuff4u.com/ website to ‘’keep her busy.'’
The very next day after it was all set up, she accepted the all-consuming time-wise position and the site ‘’fell by the wayside.'’ Oddly, with no promotion whatsoever, virtually all the stuff shown there has been sold - I really MUST get in there and make mention of that fact! (I Finally DID!)
In any event, we’d like to sell the entire site to some ambitious person - and the price will be VERY low, if you want it! Just click on this link and send an email:
5. Although the initial ‘’DAX Fortune'’(!) was accumulated OFF line, we’ve also managed to do rather well ON line by carving out our personal ‘’$$$ net-niche over the past few years using an unique DAX Method which involves NO website of any kind and can be started for little or no money. MANY other DAX-DOERS have followed our lead after learning how to do so.
Full details on that extraordinary system can be found in a large, colorful brochure entitled, ‘’The DAX Superior Cyber Cash Generator'’ - available free with any order that you place for most anything. Or, email your request for a copy to: DAXCyberBrochure@DAXRICH.com
Please include your full name and POSTAL mailing address so we may send you this large, colorful, exciting and enlightening package - FREE!
Further, if you are seeking genuine help for building a highly successful home-based business that does NOT involve the net, web, computers, etc., you need search no further than either the aforementioned MENU BAR (the tab marked BOOK NOOK) and/or the two, blue-highlighted titles which appear under the headline DAX SHOWCASE in the very upper left column there.
JUST SO YOU KNOW . . .
. . . that is real, no ‘’pie-in-the-sky'’ business-building intelligence which you can access, assured that it’s based entirely on actual/factual tried ‘n’ true successful EXPERIENCE in wealth-building by one of the past century’s (and a few years into THIS one, as well) financial gurus . . . ME!
6. JUST FOR FUN: Here a few URLS of sites we’ve stumbled upon which are worth checking out if you get the time: Each is very clever in its own right!
www.netgrab.com/fun/cardtrick/index.htm
www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/tts_example.php?sitepal
http://cgi.money.cnn.com/tools/millionaire/millionaire.html
http://www.questfortherest.com/ (Entertaining Brain-Bender!)
http://www.jibjab.com/view/122596
7. A couple times, we have made available to visitors sample chapters of a collection of short stories called ‘’Slices Of . . . Life!'’ Here are the access URLs:
www.daxrich.com/a-slices-of-life-freebie/
8. During the two-year run of this weekly e-MEGA-zine the most popular of all of the 17 varied categories of feature articles (according to a survey) was ‘WATCH YOUR BACK’ - as voted by readers.
In addition to the separate exposés, we have also maintained a ‘’DAX RED ALERT’ list of (mostly) national - but also, a few regional offenders. These are firms and individuals who misrepresented, over-charged or outright cheated DAXERS, and you may want to review the list to avoid some heartache and wasted $$ of your own: Access it at: www.daxrich.com/daxredalert/
9. HOW YOU CAN GET GAS FOR $1.30 A GALLON! Tired of paying more for a tank of gas than some of us paid for our first car? (Mine was a 1936 Plymouth I bought in 1954 for fifty bux!)
Click here for a genuine plan to join the silent war on exorbitant gas prices! www.daxrich.com/pay-much-less-for-gas/
10. Finally, when you get a chance - click on the MENU BAR tab marked OUR MISSION. It’s important that you read ‘n’ heed that motto - for your own personal benefit. It is the primary way of doing business that has separated us from virtually everyone else in our field for darn near a half century!
Thanks for stopping by! If you have a need or desire to reach me personally, I welcome you to do so at: DeanFVD@DAXRICH.com
I will get back to you VERY quickly!
-Dean
P.S. In every publication that we have ever produced since 1962 - whether print or viral - we have always insisted on including at least one or two jokes, a pun or even a longer story, space permitting. Here’s a batch of some pretty good ones!
ALWAYS LEAVE ‘EM LAUGHING!
In our most recent publishing iteration, www.DAXRICH.com, we offered weekly visitors two separate categories of funny stuff:
The first, always appeared near the top of each post and was billboarded as ‘A DAX SMUCKLE.’ From time to time we presented the definition of ‘SMUCKLE’ which is ‘’More than a smile but less than a chuckle.'’
The longer jokes or stories that appeared each week were at the very end of each post and were categorized as ‘DAX-YAX’ - a term we have used in various media for nearly 50 years and the term is, I believe, self-explanatory.
Here are a few of each for your amusement:
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DAX SMUCKLES ('’More than a smile but less than a chuckle - NOT to be confused with a TITFAW which is more than a titter and less than a guffaw'’)
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Based on well-known statistics, we know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. This tells us that the other 50% end in . . . death!
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A fellow said to his friend, ‘’I got into a really big fight last night over a girl.'’
‘’Oh, yeah?'’ asks the friend, ‘’With whom?'’
‘’My wife.'’
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I didn’t know if my little granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out an object and ask her what color it was. She would readily tell me, and always she was correct.
But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, and evidently tiring of the quiz, as she headed for the door, she said a bit sternly, ‘’Grandpa, I think you should try to figure out some of these by yourself!'’
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Actual sign next to an Amish farmer’s field reads:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE - BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
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The following is a real question (and her answer) posed to Alabama’s Heather Whitestone, who would thereafter be crowned Miss America 1995:
‘’If you could live forever, would you and why?'’
‘’I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.'’
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
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Another actual sign:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
And also, this sign at an African safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN THE CAR
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I have a contemplative grandson. One day, during a visit, he said, ‘’Grandpa, do you know that you and God are alike?'’ (I’ve never revealed to him that I’m an atheist - that will come about years from now!) Regardless, I started to mentally polish my halo as I asked, ‘’No, how are we alike?'’
‘’You’re both really old.'’
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Your esteemed government officials hard at work, writing letters:
#1). ‘’If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.'’
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
#2). ‘’Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2008, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'’
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a tiny town in the hills. She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to his partner, ‘’Mary is so young and pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don’t we teach her what’s right and what’s wrong?’
‘’Great idea,'’ said the partner. ‘’You teach her what’s right.'’
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Also, from time to time we have come across an especially worthy joke or even just a one-liner from other media which we have presented - with appropriate credit to the source, such as:
A LETTERMAN ‘SMUCKLE:’
‘’John McCain has been accused of having sex with a much younger, beautiful blond: Sounds like presidential material to me!'’
{PLUS}
‘’When Hillary heard about the charges, out of force of habit she declared that she would stand by the man.'’
A PLAYBOY ‘SMUCKLE:’
A married man kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves his house. A man kisses his house good-bye when his wife leaves him.
A LENO ‘SMUCKLE:’
In a recent ‘Jay-Walking’ segment, Leno asked this question of a young woman who had just graduated and would soon be a new teacher: ‘’What was the name of the ship that the Pilgrims came to America in?'’
She was unable to immediately answer, so Leno obligingly started giving various hints and finally offered this clue:
‘’Well, the ship had the same name as one of our popular moving companies today.'’ Then, certain that she must now know the correct answer, he did a sort of ‘ta-da’ theatrical gesture, thrust out his hands and said, ‘’It’s the . . . ‘’ And the girl quickly responded with, ‘’Oh! The U-Haul!'’
Yep . . . the Pilgrims came over on the mighty ship ‘U-Haul’
Don’t laugh - she may very well be teaching your kids next fall.
# # # # #
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he’d found a cat, but it was dead. When asked how he was so sure it was dead, the child said innocently, ‘’Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move.'’
His teacher responded with shock: ‘’You did WHAT?!'’
‘’You know,'’ explained the boy, ‘’I leaned over and went ‘Psst!’ in its ear but it didn’t move.'’
# # # # #
DAX-YAX (Generally, a bit longer joke or story than a ‘Smuckle.’)
For three years the young attorney had been taking annual vacations at a particularly charming country inn. After many attempts, he finally managed an affair with the beautiful innkeeper’s daughter.
Now, a year later, he was looking forward to another exciting few days, as he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn. He stopped short when he came to his room, noting the door was open: There, sitting on the end of his bed was his lover - with an infant on her lap! Instinctively, he knew it was the product of their previous year’s tryst.
‘’Penelope, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?'’ He cried. ‘’I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!'’
‘’Well,'’ she said, ‘’When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.'’
# # # # #
A man lay dying in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He said, ‘’Give it to me straight, doc: How long have I got?'’
The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said, ‘’Please, call for my attorney!'’
When the lawyer arrived, the patient asked for his doctor to stand on one side of his bed, whilst the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. After he had remained silent for several minutes, the doctor asked what he had in mind.
The man replied, ‘’Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought if it was good enough for him - it was good enough for me.'’
# # # # #
A man discovered that he was going to inherit an enormous sum of money when his sickly father died. He decided that, given the gravity of the situation, perhaps, he should quit his wasteful playboy ways and seek out a good wife to share his good fortune.
He was, at heart, a practical man and decided that he might find the best candidate for a wife at a costly investment seminar.
He attended and spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty and her obvious intelligence displayed during conversation convinced him that ‘’this is the one!'’
Thus he opened up to her and said, ‘’Shortly, it appears that my father will die. I stand to inherit $20 million dollars.'’
The woman was duly empathetic and impressed so, she eagerly accepted his business card and . . . three days later became his stepmother.
OUCH!
# # # # #
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of ‘Chicken Little’ to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer, ‘’The sky is falling! The sky is falling!'’
She stopped and asked the class, ‘’And what do you think the farmer said?'’
One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘’I think he said, ‘Holy Shit!’ A Talking chicken!'’
# # # # #
This one is lengthy and a real bother to type up: Since age 7 when I got my first typewriter - an ancient black L.C. Smith VERY manual model - I have typed ALL of the many millions of words that have been transmogrified from gray matter to page or screen via just my two index fingers. It’s called the ‘’hunt ‘n’ peck'’ system and is somewhat laborious! So, I hope the following is worth a titter or two for you - HA!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ‘’When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.'’ (We interrupt: I wonder if that might be one of the famous DAX Perfect Martinis?!) ‘’If I start to get nervous, I take a little sip.'’
The next Sunday, the newbie priest took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he did get nervous so, he took a drink of the vodka. He then proceeded to talk up a storm - and every so often, took another drink of the vodka. By the end of his delivery the glass was drained.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note taped on his door from the Monsignor:
1. SIP the vodka - don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments - not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples - not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated - not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey - he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath . . . he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do NOT refer to the cross as the ‘Big T!’
11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, ‘’Take this and eat it, for it is my body.'’ He did NOT say, ‘’Eat me.'’
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the ‘’Mary with the cherry.'’
13. The recommended grace to say before a meal is NOT, ‘’Rub-A-Dub-Dub - thanks for the grub, yea, GOD!'’ And finally . . .
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s - NOT a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!
Yes, I guess it WAS worth the effort to type, eh wot? - HA!
# # # # #
So will the following one be well worth the effort to type! I just wish that I could substitute Mr. Spencer’s name with, oh, about five or six others that quickly come to mind - HA!
# # # # #
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had died unexpectedly. ‘’Is Mr. Spencer there?'’ asked the caller.
‘’I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spencer passed away last night,'’ the receptionist answered. ‘’Can anyone else help you?'’
The caller paused for a moment, then quietly said, ‘’No.'’ and hung up.
Ten minutes later, the same man called again and asked for Mr. Spencer, who was his ex-wife’s lawyer. The receptionist said, ‘’Didn’t you just call a few minutes ago? I’m sorry but Mr. Spencer has died. I’m not making this up.'’
The caller just hung up without saying anything.
Fifteen minutes later, the man called a third time and asked for Mr. Spencer. The receptionist was irked by this time. ‘’I've told you twice already, that Mr. Spencer is dead. He is not here! He will never be here again! Why do you keep asking for him when I tell you that he’s dead? Don’t you understand what I’m saying?'’
The man replied, ‘’I understand you perfectly! I just enjoy hearing you say it over and over.'’
# # # # #
AND FINALLY . . .
Ever typed a wrong email address - and sent a message to the wrong person? (I sure have - yikes!)
If you’ve done so, you’ll appreciate THIS:
A Michigan couple looked forward to not just getting away from all the winter snowy ‘n’ blowy for a few weeks in Florida, but also, they planned to stay at the same resort whether they had spent their honeymoon some 20 years earlier . . . good times!
Due to conflicting schedules the husband left by himself and flew to Miami on a Thursday - with his wife set to fly down the following day.
After the man had checked into his hotel and gotten settled in his room, he noticed a computer on the desk and decided to send his wife an email and let her know he’d arrived safely.
He did just that, but when he entered his wife’s email address from memory, he accidentally omitted one letter, and not realizing the error, sent the email and then went down to poolside for one of those tall, colorful, rum drinks that seem ‘not gay’ only when you’re in the tropics.
Meanwhile, far away in Seattle, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He had been a much-loved local minister who was called home to glory after a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting to find messages of condolence from friends and relatives.
After reading the very first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw this message on her computer screen:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve arrived!
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones at no cost. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything here has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, as well. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Love,
Your anxiously-awaiting husband
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here! I’m going to go out for a nice cold drink if I can find one!
-30-
(Occasionally, we are asked, ‘’What the heck is the -30- for?'’ In writer/publisher parlance, -30- traditionally indicated to proof-readers, typesetters and others (that) ‘’This article is complete - no more copy to follow.'’ It’s just a fancy-schmancy way to say, THE END. Kiss-off. Good-Bye. Fare-Thee-Well. Parting is such sweet sorrow, and so on . . . )
So, here’s another one - HA!
-30-
©MMVIII Du Vall Press Financial Publications
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