. . . To Those Thrilling Days of Yesteryear . . .
. . . When Out of The Midwest Come The Shuffling Foot-Flops of ‘The Elderly Dax!’
YES! THE IRASCIBLE OLD FART PONTIFICATES - AGAIN!
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Before I forget (I tend to do that now and then - I call it a ’senior moment’ whilst S.E. just says, ‘’You’ve lost your mind!'’) . . .
We’ve revamped our popular site with all the daily jokes, funny stories and related stuff. Check it out at: http://www.DaxRich.com/dax-yax-4-today
Oh, and please be SURE to email that URL to all the folks on your own address list and tell THEM about this site, okay?
Also, if you ‘Tweet’ - you can find ME there with the rest of the flock:
http://www.Twitter.com/theelderlydax
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AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED:
It’s been a long while (or as Stewie from ‘’Family Guy'’ says, ‘’Huh-while'’) since we bloggitty-blog-blogged on a weekly basis - putting up many pages of original, FRESH material each and every Monday morning at 5:00 AM. Did that for over three years . . . and if you want to know why THAT all came to a screeching halt, check it out at: http://www.daxrich.com/what-killed-the-e-mega-zine/
And . . . NO! . . . we’re NOT going to reinstate that format (or frequency), but from time to time I may interject some ‘’topical observations'’ a bit more often than in the recent past, such as this:
WARNING! THIS IS A ‘’DEAN’S RANT!'’
Look, like most others - probably, yourself included - I appreciate and may even honor certain folks who have achieved an above-average measure of success in this crazy world - such as Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Fred Travalino, Walter Cronkite . . . and who was that other fellow - you know, the one who started out in life as a black dancer/singer, but along the way changed his mind and miraculously, became a white guy . . . oh, yes: Michael Jackson.
Yep. All fine people who excelled in their chosen fields . . . ‘’made their mark,'’ as it would have once been phrased. For sure, a couple of ‘em died way too soon.
Okay. Fine. I mean . . . GREAT! Nice/terrific/talented/entertaining - even extremely sexy in one case (YOU guess which one - HA!) BUTTTTTTTTTT . . . .
. . . . must every media outlet in the universe keep barraging us with each of their bios for well, what looks like . . . FOR-FRIGGIN’-EVER!!??
YES! They were all beloved people - we get it - but HOLY CRAP! Nobody cares to switch from CBS to NBC to ABC and then, one by one up through a hundred or so cable channels only to find the same-old/same-old over and over again . . . 24/7!
Man! Just stop by the house in a paddy wagon and haul our ass off to the loony bin, okay? At least that would be kinder!
By the way, I have a feeling that any one of those deceased celebrities would agree with me - if they could: Believe it or not those of us who are ‘’in the public eye'’ actually get tired of . . . OURSELVES!
‘’It’s TRUE - it’s TRUE!,'’ as the late Madeline Kahn exclaimed in each of two hilarious Mel Brooks movies. And the first seven people (who are NOT employees or relatives of this-here outfit) to accurately tell me the titles of the two movies in question PLUS, the two male actors Madeline was referencing - each gets a copy of ‘’Were You Born So?'’ - the brand new 2-hour DVD of ‘The Elderly Dax’ live (mostly!) performance at the famed Riviera Theatre this past May 9: Heck, WE will even pay the First Class postage to get it to you!
Dash off an email with the answers to: FreebieDVD@DaxRich.com
I was inspired to write the above stuff ABOUT the repetitiveness of reportage vis--vis those aforementioned recently-deceased celebrities because, from my OWN experience over the years - especially, recently, when I was again thrust out into the limelight as a result fo all the national publicity FOR the new DVD:
MAN! I am just sick ‘n’ tired of hearing about . . . ME! Yes, I DO like me - a whole lot - but geeze . . . all day long, ‘The Elderly Dax’ - ‘The Elderly Dax’ . . . !!!!! I’m starting to DREAM about myself - and it ain’t pretty!
SO . . . PLEASE BUY THE COTTON-PICKIN’ DVD SO I CAN QUIT ‘’PUSHING IT'’ - ’cause ‘’I'm fed up to ‘here’ with it'’ - okay? OKAY!
For basic DVD Ordering Data: http://www.DaxRich.com/dax-yax-4-today/ (Once there, you’ll need to scroll down a bit.)
EXITING NEWS FOR DAX DEALERS
Whilst that new DVD of ‘The Elderly Dax’ has hogged all the major press reports from DAX-LAND these past few weeks - even months, now, I guess . . .
. . . the facts are facts:
Our WORLD is in a serious economic mess and per usual - and for the past 47+ years (for those who are not math whizzes - that’s since 1962!) - we at DAX have always put forth extra effort to help others - who help themselves - sort of like God does. Hey! If it’s good enough for GOD - it’s GOTTA be good enough for DAX, eh wot?!
Anyhow . . . we added something to help increase sales for DAX Dealers who specialize in the hot-seller of all time - the ‘’DAX Ultimate Millionaire Wealth-Builders!'’ (system). It retails at $99.00 + $7.00 regular s/h (or) $17.00 Priority/two-day shipping)
WHAT IS IT, DEAN?!
Well, one of the nice things about being in the Direct Marketing biz for SUCH a cotton-pickin’ long time, as we have been, is that, we can go back and review all sorts of past campaigns, promotions, etc., and see what worked the best. I did that recently with an all-time huge seller, the VERY famous ‘’DAX Complete Guide To Direct Mail & Mail Order'’ ($25.00 + $7.00 s/h).
When we first started marketing that gem, sales were really good, but NOT extremely terrific - not up to the DAX high standard. So . . . we tried different items as a 100% Free Bonus. Pretty common thing to do, right?
After experimenting with all sorts of things - including one major promo where we offered a free book, ‘’50 Roads To Riches!'’ which, if you can believe it, ‘’back then'’ (this was around 1970, I believe) sold for a mere $4.95! By the way, it is LONG out of print, so please don’t inquire about it! (But a HINT: If you can find a copy in an old book store or online, it’s worth a couple hundred bux - if autographed - very unlikely - make that $500.00!)
Well, that worked fairly well, as did a couple other titles from our then- roster: ‘’Blueprint For Financial Success'’ and I believe also, ‘’Pretty Profits From Party-Plan.'’ HOWEVER, one day - on a lark - I decided to offer a free bonus that was NOT in any way related to our usual, well-known theme of Wealth-Producing products . . . the original version of what has since become an extremely popular book, ‘’That Old Dax Magic!’
WOW! We started dragging in sales for the ‘’DAX Guide'’ hand over fist and I recall that heavy activity plus, extraordinary sales of another DAX classic ‘’How I’m Creating A Fortune In Real Estate (Using Other People’s Money, Time & Talent!'’) all but forced us to double the size of our big old office headquarters in Williamston (where we were located for FORTY-FRIGGIN’-YEARS before our ‘’big move'’ 7 years ago to BLUE HERON POINTE.)
Anyway . . .
. . . THIS time, I decided to test an offering of that aforementioned new DVD of ‘The Elderly Dax’ - ‘’Were You Born So?'’ as a 100% FREE bonus to all new people ordering the ‘’DAX Ultimate Millionaires Wealth-Builders!'’ (system) and . . .. WHAMO!
Lightning DOES strike twice in the same spot, as we are NOW up to our eyeballs in orders that I know for sure are a direct result of that particular EXTRA freebie we are offering - and incidentally . . .
. . . YES! The DVD is IN ADDITION to all the other stuff that buyers of the ‘’DAX Ultimate'’ receive - which currently INCLUDES a free copy of the very latest, HUGE, illustrated edition of ‘’That Old DAX Magic!,'’ the ever-popular ‘’Be Your Own Boss!'’ book plus the much sought-after ‘’How To Earn One Million Dollars Per Year Satisfying The Needs & Desires of Others!'’
(Yes, ol’ DAX here DOES come up with some really sexy titles, eh wot? HA!)
BUT HERE”S THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ALL THIS!
Per usual - and by that, I mean, for the entire 47+ years that we have been in business - YOU, as a DAX-DEALER - pay absolutely NOTHING for the cost of ANY of the aforementioned premium bonus items that we give to YOUR Customers to induce them TO become a customer!
And listen, with the addition OF the freebie DVD, ‘’Were You Born So?'’ the actual everyday total value of the several premiums that we offer to YOUR Customers - 100% free is . . . $105.44.
Hard to believe but true: GET THIS: The total cost to your customer OF his or her very own ‘’DAX Ultimate Millionaire Wealth-builders!'’ (system) which may VERY well help them become filthy rich is . . . $106.00 (including the shipping), right? Yet . . .
. . . those extra premiums we’re giving them - again, at DAX expense - NOT yours, as a DAX Dealer is . . . $105.44!!!!
Now, if only I could come up with something else to make up the 56 cent difference - and your customer will effectively be getting the whole shebangy for FREE - whilst YOU, you lucky DAX-Dealer-Devil you - sop up a juicy FIFTY BUX COMMISSION!
NOW, who loves ya, baby-cakes?! HEY! I know what: I’ll tell fulfillment to also throw in one of the nifty silver ‘n’ red ballpoint pens with The Elderly Dax slogans ‘n’ stuff on ‘em - THAT should just about reach parody on $$$$ - HA!
INCIDENTALLY: We crafted a 5 1/2″ X 8 1/2″ full-color Certificate that is affixed to a two-side 8 1/2″ X 11″ illustrated flyer which provides exciting details ABOUT the new DVD.
We attempted to reproduce a PICTURE of said Certificate HERE but per usual, the cotton-pickin’ WordPress software gave us such fits that I decided to move onto something else. Take my word for it - the Certificate/flyer combination is VERY attractive and most effective.
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And if YOU have yet to become a successful DAX Dealer - get thee to THIS DAX website: http://www.daxfax.com/ - RIGHT NOW!
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ENJOYING THE GOOD LIFE AT BLUE HERON POINTE
Saturday, S.E. and I got a convertible outta the stable, dropped her top - and we also lowered the roof on the car . . . (Rim Shot, please!)
Then we drove around our Amish countryside, buying various right-outta-the-garden veggies and fruits - big, fat, juicy blueberries, fresh sweet corn, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, and a couple pounds of snap pea pods.
When we got home, S.E. went to bed - her tail was still a-draggin’ from one of her (many) marathon runs the day before, so I fired up the grill, stripped ONLY the ‘’silk'’ outta the corn, replaced the outer shucks, dipped the whole ears in fresh water and roasted ‘em.
Meanwhile, I cleaned and trimmed the pea pods, sauteed some onions and pine nuts in a big skillet and combined with the pea pods. Also made a tasty cucumber/onion/tomato salad with homemade dressing: A mayonnaise/horseradish/rice milk/pepper/sea salt admixture, sprinkled liberally with Montreal Steak seasoning.
Oh, and I also whipped up a special thick dressing for the roasted corn which we slathered on heavily with a brush just before eating: Flaxseed oil (based) Smart Balance, mixed with cumin and red pepper flakes and some more of that rice milk - which makes for a very healthy liquefying modifier to many foodstuffs - in place of UNhealthy milk or cream.
We took our feast out to the DAX-Life yacht for a nice culinary cruise and as God once said after he had accomplished something that pleased Him: ‘’And it was GOOD!'’
The next day, we took our best friends hereabouts, Floyd and Marie, over to his (and S.E.’s) favorite eatery - way out in the boonies near Colon - which literally IS the Magic Capital of the WORLD! The restaurant features dozens - perhaps, hundreds of hummingbirds (and gold finches) who feast right outside large picture windows so all patrons can see and enjoy ‘em. Well, assuming they LIKE birdies, that is!
We were celebrating Floyd’s 97th (NOT an error!) birthday, and I wrote him this poem:
-Floyd’s Big Dream-
At 62, Floyd had a dream . . .
An impossible dream . . .
Or so it would seem:
‘’Hereabouts, I’ll buy up some land . . .
With a bunch of trees and piles of sand . . .
Some of it will be pretty land . . .
Some of it will be pretty darn bland.
Besides the ground I’ll buy small lakes . . .
Even that one with the rattle snakes!
When I’ve gathered it all in one big batch . . .
We’ll open the river’s water hatch . . .
And flood it all until we make . . .
One large and bee-oo-ti-ful single lake . . .
A thousand acres - maybe more . . .
Folks from everywhere will knock on my door . . .
They’ll buy a lot to build their home . . .
Others will see it as a place to roam . . .
To sail and fish and ski - and sun . . .
A pleasant spot to have great fun!'’
But then a real dope from the DNR . . .
Says: ‘’Floyd, you get the hell outta thar!
No silk purses from any sow’s ears . . .
Leave scrub land alone - and don’t cause fears . . .
In the minds of all those little snakes
Who are probably ‘in bed’ with Congressional flakes -
Who haven’t ’til now, figured out how,
To get their hands on your cash cow!'’
But Floyd persisted - said, ‘’Step Aside!
I’ll go to the Capitol with all my pride . . .
I’ll tell ‘em all in Lansing . . .
My big lake’s a good thing . . .'’
And so he did - and it came to pass . . .
That the DNR fellow got knocked on his . . . posterior:
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And that’s how we all came to have and love our big ol’ private lake!
Happy 97th, Floyd!
-The Elderly Dax
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JUST CURIOUS . . .
We saw a fellow on the teevee who is a Professor at Syracuse University, and an acknowledged expert on the moon landings. As you know, many people currently feel the whole shebangy was a great big hoax and one reason is that, when the astronauts unfurled the American flag (on the moon), it seemed to wave, which would be impossible on a windless/gravity-free moon.
The professor, Robert Thompson, explained that the flag was transported in a spring-loaded frame, so that it WOULD appear to wave when released, and it did so for bit when it was planted on the moon’s surface. Well, that’s good enough for me.
BUT, I also noticed in one of the film clips they kept showing over and over this past weekend, that when the two fellows, Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong were shown walkin’ ‘n’ prancin’ on the moon’s surface, one of ‘em kicked up a whole bunch of moon dust which IMMEDIATELY (and totally) returned to the surface - rather than hang in mid-air of the 1/6th-of-the-earth’s gravity.
So, I wrote to the good professor and asked if he had noticed that, and why he opines the seemingly odd event may have occurred.
We’re waiting to hear back from him and will keep YOU posted.
But it all does seem odd, eh wot? I mean, every time they show folks in a space vehicle - the shuttles, for instance, they will demonstrate how much fun they’re having letting go of a toothbrush or a cup or something else and watching the items just remain in place - floating. Why would not a few ounces of moon dust react similarly?!
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VERY SORRY TO LEARN . . .
. . . of the passing of Dolores Straw, wife and invaluable helpmate to J.F. ‘Jim’ Straw for many decades. We had all been ‘out of contact’ for several years, and we only learned of his loss recently. Jim, like myself, somehow managed to get himself a wife in his life who was a far better person than he - or me!
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NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!
For the past two years, my newest and craziest (so far!) ALTER-EGO - ‘The Elderly Dax’ (Funny Stuff For Grown-Ups) - has been developing and performing (under various guises) - throughout North America - a wholly fresh ‘n’ fantastic manifestation of my ‘’second childhood'’ . . .
WHAAAAAAT???!!!
. . . yep, under some amusing circumstances, I got the bright idea to (finally) fulfill what is essentially, my final lifelong dream:
To become a professional, polished, stand-up comedian, and as you certainly know if you’ve been ‘’with me'’ for any length of time, when I decide to do something - it get’s done - HA!
As we worked to develop and perform the whole act (which is about two hours long on stage) in various venues, we experimented with different stage names: The Aging Dax, Old Man Dax and for a brief period I even used my own name, but decided against THAT, as I am best known as a writer and lecturer under my own actual name - for well over 47 years now!
So anyway, get used to hearing about ‘’The Elderly Dax'’ {Funny Stuff For Grown-Ups} AND . . .
. . . if you’d care to be amongst the very first to acquire a copy of ‘’his'’ brand new DVD - simply go to http://www.DaxRich.com/dax-yax-4-today/ for ordering info.
Also, there you’ll find another link to learn more about how all this new funny stuff came about - which many consider rather remarkable in that I will be SEVENTY on the next Valentine’s Day, after all - YIKES!
ONE MORE THING ABOUT THAT NEW DVD . . . ‘’Were You Born So?'’
As I indicated above, you can certainly BUY a copy of the thing, if you like ($17.95 including first class postage!) OR, you can get it totally FREE when you place an order of $100.00 or more for ANYTHING ‘’DAX'’ - but you MUST request the free DVD at the time of placing your order.
If you click on THIS hot-link: http://www.daxrich.com/page/2/ it will take you to the most recent posting of THIS page and full data on how you can save BEAUCOUP BUX and get most any DAX books, systems, reports, tape programs etc. - for a comparative pittance PLUS, get that DVD ‘’Were You Born So?'’ 100% FREE!
BUT: Those offers EXPIRE July 31, 2009 - so get a-clickin’!
-Dean
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ALWAYS LEAVE ‘EM LAUGHING: One For The Road? Ummm . . . Maybe NOT!
Long after the glitter ball had dropped, and several hours into the New Year, a drunk staggered from the men’s room and wobbled over to the bar. ‘’I, uh, I’ll . . . I’ll have anudder. Maske itta dubble.'’
The bartender looks him over and notices vomit staining the front of the drunk’s otherwise sharp-looking suit. ‘’Buddy, it looks to me like you’ve had quite enough. Why don’t you call it a night and go home?'’
The drunk protests: ‘’N-n-no! I ca-can’t! My, my wife, you, you shee . . . She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she sheez what Ife done to it . . . sheez gonna kill m-me. Jush gimme that dubble . . . “
‘’Tell you what,'’ the bartender says. ‘’You got any 20-dollar bills on you?'’
The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through it and replies, ‘’Y-yeah, I got a few . . . ‘’
The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. ‘’There you go, buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell her that you were innocently passing by a bar on the way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit cleaned!'’
‘’B-br-brilliant!'’ the drunk exclaims excitedly. ‘’Thish jush might w-work!'’
The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, a rolling pin in her hand (Ed. Note: Where did this hoary tale come from - the WWII-era ‘Katz ‘n’ Jammer Kids’ Sunday comics?!) The wife yells, ‘’Look at you! You’re a disgrace! Look what you’ve done to your new suit!'’
‘’N-no hunnybunsh,'’ the drunk stammers . . . ‘’Y-you see, I was jush passing by the b-b-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I can get my suit dry-cleaned.'’
The wife looks in her husband’s pocket and pulls out the money.
‘’Wait a minute . . . ‘’ the wife says, ‘’There are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.'’
The man reels, regroups and explains . . . ‘’Wha-wha . . . well, thass because after he puked on me, he, he then took a crap in my pants!'’
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REMEMBER: For a DAILY DOSE of fresh humor - go to http://www.DaxRich.com/dax-yax-4-today/
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